It comes in waves. The waves start small, and slowly, start increasing in size. Your sense of self, your sense of being is slowly picked at, eating away at the scab that had been helping with the healing. The final wave then comes, out of nowhere: it throws you about, playing with all your emotions and thoughts indiscriminately, and after enveloping you in complete, utter, total darkness . . . subsides – leaving you bereft. Sad. Powerless. Helpless. Numb. Empty.
That last wave: it has sucked life out of you. Squeezed it from your body, which is, by now, all bones; you did not realize there was still something there to be pulled out. You feel your heart collapsing, a fragile organ not able to compete with the disastrous impact of the most recent wave. What starts as silent tears rolling down your cheek escalates into a full-on release of a flood: you taste the salt from the tears on your lips as your body starts racking with sobs. You weep through the darkness, through the numbness, through the emptiness, through shards of pain that make their way through as the emotions start settling down after the whirlwind they have gone through.
You weep, holding on, desperately holding on. “Ya Allah! Please help me! Please! Remove me from this state!”
You fervently start repeating different prayers, calling upon the different names of God that you are slowly coming to internalize, repeating them in desperation through your tears, through your uncontrolled, uneven, raggedy breath.
“Ya Muhaiman!” O Protector, please protect me!
“Ya Razzaq!” O Provider, grant me any and every form of sustenance!
And repeated, again and again
“Ya Rahman!” O Most Merciful, Shower your Mercy and Blessings Upon me. Any iota of mercy will suffice.
The prayer of forgiveness is not far behind, intertwined constantly with the prayer of Prophet Yunus (as) – etched in your mind is the image of him being swallowed by the whale, within three layers of darkness, in the depths of the ocean, as he calls out: “There is no God save Thee. Be Thou glorified! Lo! I have been a wrong-doer.”
You take a deep breath – more than one in fact. You wait for the tear ducts to dry, for the du’aas, the prayers to take root. A wave is building up again – but this time, it is coming from within. This time, it is a wave of peace, of sukoon, that washes all over you, that envelops you. For He answers the prayer of the suppliant when he calleth unto Him. Alhamdulillah.
Congratulations. You have just gone through – and survived – an intense episode of depression.
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